finger in my cooter
08.09.06 (10:43 pm) [edit]ya, if u arn't very old, don't read this, because i am currently a little tipsy and my boyfriend is playing with me as i type. heheheheheheeh. I have never been drunk before, and i am currently fixing that situation. hehehehehehe. so ya, with that in mind, whose finger is in my cooter? heheh. and i am sucking something as well. wow, i already know i am going to be embaraased about this later....oh well. As long as this blog remains secret from my family. hehehehe. I know they would all totally freak out, yet i don't care a whole lot. If u don't want to see your all perfect daughter/granddaughter/co usin/neice/whatever acting like this, then why the hell are you reading my blog? Jeez, i refrained enough by not putting thtis on my myspace. that site is made for everyoone else, if u are on this site, i'm going ot be very blunt. oh, fuck, now he's fucking my tits... i love him so much. so much i told him my dirty secret about giving head to another guy. oh, and we are watching dumb and dumber, which i have never before seen. ok, time for me to go, becauae now i am going to get fucked real good by my boytoy whom i havn't seen in a week. fuck on.
Liz...
06.18.06 (11:41 pm) [edit]ok, i am adding my myspace link as soon as i post this. I am mainly posting this bog for the title person, Liz. where to start? without bawling...if possible. Maybe i'll just post the letter she wrote me, that will give a background. here it is: Title: ok am still mad at you you know that, i know Jon told you. But do you know that it drives me nuts that you hang out with him so much. after all it was you that said he buged you and that you wanted him to leave you alone. so what the fuck?! i could have been a friend to you, nothing sexual, jsut a good friend because you really dont have one right now do you? and i dont believe that your happy with max so dont give me any bs about that. you need to fix the bad stuff in your life. i worrie about you because your me when i was 15. and thats not good. you can do better than what you doing for your self now. i know that you haven't dealed with any of the things that happened to you as a child. Charlie your case book and your not alone. and no, we can not ever be friends again, i need to walk away for you and max, because i know who i am and how it would have been. am glad that you've come to understand what it is that i see in Jon and why am in love with him so much. sorry hun but it never would have been you. i only saw you as a kid that needed some friends. that night you stayed at my old place i realized jsut how fucked up your were, i dont meen to be a bitch but its the truth. we cant be friends but i'll listen if you need to talk. liz wow, this is going to be hard. i keep hoping that as days go by this won't hurt so much. goddamit i still love her. I care about her sooooooo much. DAMMIT i never would have said any of that stuff to you if i thought you wouldn't like it!! YOU ASKED ME TOO!!! and then that one night we were all at your house, i NEVER would have asked you if it weren't for that night. I NEVER would have let anything happen at all that night, i even stopped it when i did because i was afraid you were just going to be hurt some more, after all the Jon stuff. and i DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU!!! because i CARE ABOUT YOU STILL!!! When i went to add you i read both of your blogs, and i SOBBED for like an hour when i found out that you NEVER cared about me!!!! You just thought i was a sweet little kid, I HAVE NEVER BEEN A LITTLE KID!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE A LITTLE KID!!!! I MAY BE YOUNG BUT I WAS NEVER A KID!!! I don't know what hurts more, the fact that you hate me, or the fact that you never did have feelings for me because i was a KID. then you compared me to you as a kid, i don't know much about your past, but i know enough to say the only thing we had in common was the need for love, and i am sorry that that sounds a little harsh, but right now, i hurt too much to GIVE A DAMN. i don't know if you ever payed attention to it, but most people by now know that i create a list of songs that belong to each person i know. My rule is that no one gets to know what songs are on their list. but u know what the FIRST song i gave you was? Right after i gave you my rose, and then later you wrote on your blog that you and Jon were back together, mr. brightside became your number one song. At that point, i had only told atina how i felt about you. then that...after all the SHIT everyone had said about him...i'm sure most people figured out how i felt about you, but i am glad i never mentioned it to people, i didn't have to deal with them all talking. btw, here are the lyrics, KILLERS LYRICS Mr Brightside I'm coming out of my cage And I've been doing just fine Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I'm falling asleep And she's calling a cab While he's having a smoke And she's taking a drag Now they're going to bed And my stomach is sick And it's all in my head But she's touching his-chest Now, he takes off her dress Now, letting me go And I just can't look its killing me And taking control Jealousy, turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies Choking on your alibis But it's just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes 'Cause I'm Mr Brightside I'm coming out of my cage And I've been doing just fine Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I'm falling asleep And she's calling a cab While he's having a smoke And she's taking a drag Now they're going to bed And my stomach is sick And it's all in my head But she's touching his-chest Now, he takes off her dress Now, letting me go Cause I just can't look its killing me And taking control Jealousy, turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies Choking on your alibis But it's just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes 'Cause I'm Mr Brightside I never... I never... I never... I never... good friends? i have them, i have lots of friends, but you are more important to me then they are. I want to take care of you, i want to hold you and take away your fears. Not romanticaly anymore, because i REALLY AM happy with max. and i am TIRED of HEARING everyone talk down about our relationship. I KNOW THAT I AM YOUNG!!! i KNOW i am only 18, i KNOW!!! I always looked down on girls who went and swore they were "in love" when they were as young as i am. BUT THIS REALLY IS LOVE!!! I know they all say that too, and i know they all say "but it's not like that" they say everything i want to say, and because of those cliche phrases, whenever i say them it just works AGAINST ME. I LOVE HIM!!! I WILL MARRY HIM and I WILL HAVE HIS CHILDREN and he will be the FATHER that i have been looking for for my children. I'M SO SICK OF PEOPLE TALKING DOWN ON OUR RELATIONSHIP!!! JUST BECAUSE WE ARE YOUNG!!! IF I WAS A FEW YEARS OLDER EVERYONE WOULD BE SAYING HOW HAPPY THEY ARE THAT I FOUND LOVE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! but this is a different argument now... ok, about jon. I HAVE NEVER HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM AND I NEVER WILL!!!! He irritates me to all extents, he is trustworthy, but he tries too hard to get involved in my life, in things i don't necessarily want him involved in. THE MOST I EVER LET HIM DO IS BUY ME LUNCH AND TAKE ME TO THE BUS STOP and that is all for a reason, because i have told him repeatedly that our friendship will go no further. EVER!!! I DO NOT LOVE JON, I NEVER HAD ANY FEELINGS FOR HIM ROMANTICALY!!! The only reason i started hanging out with him at work was because he knew you, and i wanted information on you. He was the only familiar person on the casino grounds, i felt too uncomfortable around the other dealers. Sure i hang out with him now just to hang out, but just because i can tell him anything doesn't mean he is a all perfect friend, i hate him as much as i care for him, all i wanted out of him was someone i could talk to, someone nuetral, who would just shut up and listen. I GOT WAY MORE THEN I WANTED FROM HIM. but yes, he is a friend. i don't want him, i never had any inclination to, and i never felt that you two should be together either, but you say you love him, and because of that, i won't stand in your way and prevent you from seeing him. because i RESPECT you believe it or not. Even when you write things that hurt so incredible FUCKING much, i would never do anything to hurt you. so, you want me out of your life. ok. For you, i will not chase you down, i will not try to force you to forgive me, or even come to terms with me. The only thing i ask in return is that you don't turn away from me if i am in the same room as you. I may not be IN love with you, but i do still LOVE you, and i can't bear it when you turn away from me, that day you were talking to me and max, i was so happy...after you left i read your comment. My friend amy was left with me sobbing and no explaination why. she still doesn't know. This is the first time i have mentioned anything about it to anyone, and it is online. where the publicity of it is made anonymous by all the other people in the world out there. from now on, you dictate my moves around you. I won't touch you, or initiate conversation, unless you tell me it is ok, or you just tell me to go away. now all that's left is to tell you about all this...
MY SIS WROTE ME A LETTER!!!!!!!!!
05.17.06 (11:03 pm) [edit]I do believe i have mentioned my half sister on here right? SHE WROTE ME A LETTER!!!!! I replied and sent my letter today. SHE WROTE ME A LETTER!!!!! All i want to do is just go outside somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs, in joy of course, but something to release the pressure of excitement i have built up. She said that her mother (her aunt who adopted her) had been carrying one of my letters in her purse for three years, and Kristin finally read it on April 18. She mentioned that the date for that letter was April 18 as well, how odd is that? Her letter was very vague, and only two typed paragraphs, but none the less, it was from her, had her signiture at the end, and it expressed a desire to contenue correspondence and an eventual meeting!!!! SHE WROTE ME A LETTER!!!!!!! SHE WROTE ME A LETTER!!!!!!! SHE WROTE ME A LETTER!!!!!!! SHE WROTE ME A LETTER!!!!!!! I know it has been a long time since i last blogged, and i should catch you up on everything that has been happening, like how my greek god and i have reached seven months and still love each other (despite a lot of bickering) and i have finally decided to start a myspace, and thus will most likely stop typing in this, or perhaps i will use this, and use it more for all of the deep stuff, and keep my myspace light, especially since i plan on giving the address to family and my sister, who is only fourteen and doesn't need to be reading a bout mine and max's sexcapades. Nor do i want my stepmother, grandmother etc to be reading that stuff. Ya, i will keep this for my own stuff, but the myspace will be all the other stuff. I will give a link for it from here, but not a link from there to here. that should help keep everyone in their respectful places. and out of stuff they shouldn't know. well, my greek god has an essay to finish, so i am going to let him do that now. love u all MY SISTER WROTE ME A LETTER!!!!!!!
wow
03.08.06 (9:41 pm) [edit]i am slightly amazed, this is the quickest i have ever reached over a thousand visitors. Creepy. PEOPLE ARE WATCING ME!!!! oh well, it is the internet, i do post on it... i happened to be looking at friends' myspace account, and noticed max as a friend on amy's page. I noticed this before, but didn't care too much. i decided to visit (although max has a linky thing for his myspace and i could have gon ethat way) and read all the posts that were on that first page. I came to the one about his chance to obtain super powers, and found myself wondering; did he really have a chance? is it simply his obsession with powers behind this story? Did he just have a feeling and translate it as such? was he on anything??? ; ) I am also slightly worried over wether he wants this on my blog, but it is on his, so that is my reasoning behind posting such. You know, it is terrible; I have begun using this blog for questions that i don't know how to bring up to max. I know he is going to read this, i also know that he is going to talk to me about every line i have written...yet i know i will continue to use this for things i'm not entirely sure how to bring up. Now he is going to tell me that i shouldn't feel like i can't bring up topics, and i'll nod and say ya, but i still will use this anyway. I'm not afraid of anyhting he might say, or of what he'll think of me anymore; i mean hell, he wakes up next to me everyday with my make-up all over my face, that's gotta mean something right? (hehe, in all honesty, i simply adore waking up next to him every morning, i love rolling over in the middle of the night and finding him next to me, i love knowing that he isn't a dream, or a story... uhem) I think the reason that i will use this is because i am so involved in my writting, i used to solve everything with words on paper. I can't say all the things i mean to say, i have the vocabulary, but i can't string all the words together in a way that makes sense. Those of you who know me know this. I of course turn these slips into common words for me (like three hundred percent sure, i can't remember what i had intended to say the first time i said it, but that isn't what i wanted to say). When i write things down, i can go back and fix them, but not even just that, normally what i fix when i write are gramatical errors, nothing else. My words just come out better when i type. well, max shoudl be getting out of class soon, so i guess i go. in fact, here he is.
just a note
02.22.06 (5:17 pm) [edit]My friend Jon is here with me right now, and he is confusing the HELL out of me. I feel i should know what he mumbles, but i don't... anyway my point for this post is that Jon showed me this painting he bought, it was an amazing painting of a tree. Apparently this artist does pictures for Magic cards, and this is the original of Treefolk Mystic (I added a link for you guys). Jon even let me take the painting out of the plastic to touch it!!! I touched a painting that became a card in one of the most known and played card games!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! i didn't know at first, i thought it was just a totally cool painting (i was in tears looking at it)but then to find out that it is a picture countless others know... and i want to tell all of you, the card does this picture almost no credit, it looks like a three year old's stick figures compared to Davinci. There is soo much more in the painting then in the card. ok, i just had to type in that little memo. xoxoxxo Charlie
Boxers
02.22.06 (3:01 pm) [edit]Hello. I feel all special today, everything i am wearing is my greek god's, except of course for the bra. I am wearing black pants, gray boxers and a white shirt with dragons on it that is tied in the front. My ass looks really good. even stella said so...hmmm... ya i should be working, a jeremy is saying, but he can suck my big one, i dont wanna work, and i do plan on getting something acomplished today. Just not at this moment, i have neglected my blog, and plan on getting caught back up. Well, monday got me fully moved in with max, everything i own is now at his house. He even made more room for my books and put some of his stuff in storage. our stuff is less seperated now, but still like his half and my half kinda feeling to it. We really need to get our own place and then have our stuff throughout the house, we would have a really empty house, but it would be OUR house, not one's or the others. god how i love him. I was talking to one of my high school friends yesterday, and she was telling me how her boyfriend spent like four hundred on her for valentines day, and then asked me about mine. I told her what i told everyone else, we didn't have one we were waiting till monday. (on monday we finished moving, ate out, did homework, ya, not much, but he greeted me at work with a bouquet) I told her how our monday went, and she was apologizing for how blah it was!! Excuse me! I'm the one with a greek god who i love and loves me back with all of the undeniable strength of true love!! i should be feeling bad for you! I don't want a boyfriend that spends that much money on me while we are trying to save for something like a house!!! but then thats me over reacting. She doesn't know the situation, or she would totaly understand. *yawn* i am soooo ready to go to sleep, last night i actually got sleep, but i'm still so drained from the last few nights of only a few hours of sleep because of homework. damn homework. College isnt supposed to have this much work involved in it!! Ok, i really need to start some homework. I love you my little people. xoxo charlie
happy late v-day
02.15.06 (5:49 pm) [edit]V-day was terrible, but not at first. It became terrible because of the arguments max and i had later in the day about him feeling bad for not doing anything. We had decided to have v-day on the 20th, so i wasn't entirely expecting anything to happen anyway. He left me at my class so he could go get a haircut, and then he stayed home afterwords. John had once again brought me things, zebra stripes gum, some chocolate, and in and out since i hadn't eaten dinner. When max picked me up, i was already out of class and waiting outside. he told me he felt bad i was waiting for him, and i told him not to worry about it, i wanted to wait outside and he didn't know i would be out of class eary. he then stated that a better boyfriend would have been waiting already, he would have been there early. I told him that it was cool, i know he had stuff to do, and he goes on about how he really didn't have anything to do, and was just sitting there at home. I told him that john brought some stuff for me, especially the stripes gum which i had asked for (that used to be my fav gum as a kid, i can't believe there is a place they still sell it) and the candy and meal i had not. I had totally forgotten that max wanted to take me to my first in and out meal, and that's what john had brought me. Max was upset about the fact that john beat him to the in and out food, and that he had gotten stuff for me. I once again said not to worry about it, we weren't having valentines till monday. Then he really got upset because (in his pov) he was simply sitting at home, and could have done something for me, and then john goes out of his way to do stuff for me. he complained about being a terrible boyfriend. He said he was thinking about bringing a blanket, candle and rose so we could go somewhere and sit in the grass and talk and simply be together; and i told him how that was a very sweet idea. "but i didn't do it." "that's ok, i wasn't expecting anything" "but it would have been so easy to grab those things, and i just sat at home" it was terrible. It was even worse for me because i was a little disapointed. This has been my first valentines day that i have had a boyfriend. And it is my first one with max. I hadn't expected anything at all at first, but when he left to do his hair, and wouldn't be back till ten to pick me up, i was slightly hopeful. As foolish as it is, i always wanted to be one of thoe girls who got to brag about how sweet their boyfriends are, look what he got me. I have found the love of my life, and no one cares. All the married people i hang out with belittle our love, because we havn't been together for years and years. Other people think it is just another couple in puppy love. I am so unbelievably ecsatic that i have found "the one" and know one else believes it. I want to tell everyone about how happy i am, and i can't. They don't care or think i am rubbing it in. DAMN IT AS STRESSED AS I AM, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! AS A PERSON WHO IS BIPOLAR, THAT MEANS A GOD DAMN AWFUL LOT TO ME!!! WHY CAN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND!!! whew. Ok so that was my personal little speal, sorry. Anywho, max still felt terrible, and that lasted into the night. we got into a better mood, and i started teasing him (sexually). But i ended up just pissing him off (no details for you) and he rolled over and wouldnt let me touch him for a while. i started crying, because i hadn't meant to upset him, and had forgotten how he had reacted to what i was doing before. he began apologizing again, and going on about how he was a bad boyfriend. there was no need for him to apologize, i was the one at fault, i am the bad partner. he didn't know i had never had a valentine; i knew, or should have remembered, that what i was doing upset him. and i still did it. then just i little bit ago i snapped at him again. He was only trying to help me with my speech asignment, and i shouldn't have. I just wanted to buy something cheap for my prop, not the twenty i eventually had to pay for a ten point assignment. i know though, that he just wanted to get out of there and go get some food because he was hungary. he never did get to eat. sigh. i'm certainly not worried aobut us as a couple, but i feel absolutly terrible for what i have been doing to him lately. hell, i threw pajamas at him the other day and the butten left a bump on his forehead. i'm not a violent person, i threw the pajamas for comedic effect mainly, but i ended up hurting him (how, i don't know). at least this morning was really good. We were both feeling great until we had to rush around and find stuff for my speech. we both dressed up well, had lovely lovely dirty sex, and donated blood. now though...i have ruined things once again with my stresses. damn. k, i need to do that speech now, i still havn't written it, but i needed to post. i apologize for the incoherence of this, and the grammatical stuff too. blehg. xoxoxo charlie
OUCH!!!!
02.08.06 (3:40 pm) [edit]ok, no hidden message in this title, I HURT!!! I managed to pull something in my shoulder this morning. oh well. Last night Max woke me he was shivering so hard. I tried to warm him up, had him go to the bathroom and all, put some clothes on, turn on the heater...he was shaking so hard. Eventually he got warm again, but he was soooo cold. This morning he hurt so bad, we guess from shaking so hard durring the night. I'm so worried about my baby. At one point he told me that i would make a great mom, the stuff i was telling him and making him do. He finally warmed up enough to go back to sleep, and did. I am worried about him, he has been sleeping a lot lately. I am trying not to cough so much around him now, so he has one less thing to worry about. I am getting better, but he thinks i am better then i am. I know as soon as he reads this he will be upset that i have been holding it from him, but until he does, my health is one less thing for him to worry about. he should be oout of class soon, so i am going to stop now. xoxoxo charlie
double ended?
02.05.06 (9:37 pm) [edit]huh, i was just introduced to double ended crochet. Now all of you who clicked on my post because of the title and thought this would be something dirty, say five hail mary's and all will be well. Not much is happening around here, my Greek God finally got me to go to the doctor for my bronchitis, and then eveyone else who knew i was sick made me call in at work. HELLO!!!! super bowl!!! free party at the casino!!! I coulda made big bucks tonight being a dealer!! oh well. i really don't need the money, i have more then i'll use currently saved up. I don't have any bills, besides the rent for here and my classes. I make an average of five hundred a weekend. except last weekend, that was crap. Most of my money gets to be saved up. I don't care to go spending it all the time. I don't go anywhere that i would want to buy something, and if i do, i dont have my money on me so it doesn't matter anyway. ohhhh! Max just called *happiness* boo, he has to close again tonight. waaaaa. today i looked for one of my friends, and he hasn't posted in forever. i worry about him. If anyone knows who TEITH is, and knows if he is alive, please inform me!! I constantly worry for him, and i havn't been able to get ahold of him in ever. im actually happy that i just started my monthly today, we haven't been exactly using much protection (uhm, none in all honesty). I hate that i have let my body take over my mind. Neither of us wants to have a kid yet, and at first we were really careful, and then once we didn't. Then again, and again.... we are trying now to cut back all together, and start again making sure we use protection. Also, i am getting on the pill, but that isn't entirely sure fire. I have been so afraid i wouldn't start. Last night i was thinking of what i would do... we had spoken of it before, put a emergency plan together for if it happened. But i hadn't thought entirely of being a mother. Just how we would support our family. I started thinking of how i would be as a mother. I remembered earlier that day when i was getting set up at the doctor, and they were trying to get information from me about my insurance, and i couldn't give any information, i didn't know. I started thinking again how i haven't been made to be an adult yet. Responsible yes, (err, cough cough) I was taught how to pretend to be an adult, but not how to do something as simple as get a doctor. I had never filled a percription before, and had to do that durring the day as well. I don't know how to take care of myself. I have never had major bills before, my actions have all pretty much affected me primarily, how could i dare to think i could enter that enchanting stage of motherhood being as dumb as i am? I know being a mom isn't easy, i got a lot of practice raising my brothers, and i know that raising them is nothing compared to the task of raising your own child. Basically, i scarred myself by realizing i would not be a fit parent. And not being a good mother is one of my biggest fears. I don't want my kid to be as hurt by life as i was, but i don't want them to be sheltered from life either. It will take a lot more knowledge then what i have to raise a kid. all that and, i am ONLY 18, i'm still a kid myself. I always found it sad when the mother had to grow up with her kid. I'm not bashing those people, i know several who are just fine who made their mom grow up, or did the growing up; all i'm saying is that it is a difficult task. well, i have laundry to do, and homework. I'll stop for now, now that i have vented a wee bit. sorry i tend only to vent on here. but that's what i use this for. xoxoxxoxo Charlie
aaaaaaaacccckkk!!!!!!!!
01.30.06 (3:31 pm) [edit]hmmm, i am slightly stressed right now, so i thought i would write to releive a little. i am moving more of my stuff in, trying to find room for it all. This is partly why i didn't want to move into max's room, because it is already HIS room, all his stuff already has a spot. I know he is willing to do whatever to get my stuff all in, but this is still His room, he has dominance, and i wanted to try to keep things as equal as possible. I don't want him to moce all his stuff around for me, i don't want to disrupt his own little system he has going on, especially with as systematic as he is. but i feel like all of my stuff is being shoved into a little corner, that i have my stuff on one side, and his stuff on the other. like i moved in with one of my brothers or something, a roomate, not someone i am practically one with. also way to much fucking homework! and work! i am sick dammit! i don't have electricity in my room at the res, and i need to be packing my stuff durring the day before work, but since i am working till midnight to two-ish, and am sick, i don't wake up till almost noon. That gives me three and a half hours to get up, shower, dress for work, put on my makeup and dry my hair, put my hair up, pin back my bangs as required for work and do some packing. Notice that there is no eating on there because my parents are no longer buying food. last weekend, all there was was a few eggs, every condoment imaginable, and a tub full bottles of alcohol. yum yum! great meal for someone on their way to work!!! all my homework gets put off till monday, today. and i sit here and type instead, which is my fault, no one elses. ok, i think i'll stop bitchin and get to work. xoxoxoxoxoxx charlie
do you know what jiggly ball is?
01.13.06 (11:49 am) [edit]hello. I am getting ready to go home, to work and all that fun stuff, but what i want to talk about is what happened last night once max and i got to his place.
everything was goin\' fine, my baby was doin his laundry and lookin at all his bills, getting his schedual off the computer for school, cleaning up in general, and i was just sitting there on the bed. I was watching him do all these things and looking at how i did nothing. I started thinking about how i do a lot of that, and then remembered that earlier that day max asked if i would help him clean off the bed instead of sitting there watching him do it. also, we had gone shopping at sears and decided to stop and look at approx prices for the stuff we would need for our place, so we could start saving up. I bought him a starbucks coffee thingy and ended up drinking more of it then he did. All that stuff kinda hit me at once, and i started thinking of how childish i am. and how naive about the \"real world\" i am as well. I\'ve never had to pay real bills, just debts to family members. I havn\'t actually had to budget my money, i dont spend it without regard, but now i will have rent, utilities, tv, phone, internet, all the furniture...and school on top of that. I\'ve always considered myself to be fairly responsible, but i\'ve never had to be responsble over those things before. I don\'t know how to pay or read bills, i need to get a doctor and a dentist, and i don\'t know how to do that either. then max is over here thinking of what needs to be done and how much can be spent on this and that, and messing with credit cards and putting up his laundry the special way that it needs to be hung up. i don\'t know how he flds his laundry, and it wouldn\'t be fair to ask him to come home and then do all of the laundry because i don\'t know how to do it your way. at that moment max seemed so much older then me, and i felt so incredibly little and helpless, and now i am terrified he is going to see how childish i really am.
he noticed something was wrong and we started talking about it. he was reasuring me and telling me that we can wait on it, that he\'ll wait for me, but that\'s not what my problem is, i want to live with him, to come home to him every day, i\'m afraid that he\'ll get tired of my mistakes. Or that i\'ll do somehting wrong, he\'ll tell me not to do it, he will, and then later on he\'ll get fed up with always having to do it and wonder why i never offer to do so, and wouldn\'t it be nice if i just tried to stuff for him and then it\'ll fester and pick at him and he\'ll notice everything else that i am lacking in...
like cooking. i can\'t cook. i can follow a recipie sure, but i can\'t just throw some food together and make a meal. I can make mashed potatoes, chicken soup and cookies from scrach without using a recipie. That isn\'t very much. I can do any boxed food, and chicken, i can bake or fry any meat. but max said the other day that he doesn\'t like chicken. ah! that is one of the only things i am really comfortable in making! how are we going to eat? his mom makes such good and varied foods, and i\'m going to have to make big meals a few days each week so we can live off of leftovers for the rest of the week. i know he eats anything, and that includes left overs, but can he really enjoy eating speghetti for three days??? I don\'t know how i am going to be able to take care of him.
i want to do this so bad, and i really don\'t see any problems arrising from this, except our relationship being ruined, and that is the one thing i reallllllllly dont want to fuck up.
god, we havn\'t even had our first real fight yet and now we will be living together. we won\'t have it until we have place, and then it\'ll seem so much worse because we won\'t be able to get away form each other. our fights so far have been \"hey, i have a problem\" \"oh really, what is it?\" \"well you do this, or don\'t do it, and it bothers me.\" \"oh, i didn\'t realize it would bother you, lets fix that...\" then apologies all around. THAT\'S IT!!! by all means, i don\'t mind that being the extent of our arguments, but i\'m worried that when we actually blow up it\'s going to be disasterous.
ok, well i gotta get ready to go, soooooo i guess i\'ll leave you all now.
oxoxoxoxoxoxox
charlie
Alive, yet barely
01.12.06 (5:51 pm) [edit]ya, i don't think i spelled that right, but bite me.
I am almost home, just over an hour more beore we get home. I am writting this around noonish, but i don't know when this will actually get posted. well, i guess i can get started on all the events that happened over the week.
The day we left, my dad told me that my cousin told him that max and i are looking for a place, and that really pissed me off. Not because i didn't plan on telling my dad, but because i planned on saying it more tactfully then that. My cousin also mentioned that we were going to look up north, that part is only half true, we planned on in the future looking northernly. not now. Dad thought i was just going to drop school and work and run away with max. This is why i wanted to talk to dad, not go through anyone. Stuff gets twisted to easily. (like the time the same cousin told dad that i almost went all the way with amy, when all i said was we went skinny dipping. sigh.) so i get to look forward to a talk sometime. blehg.
Max and i left on wednesday morning around what was it, eight thirty ish? got to grants pass around seven i think and stayed at a holiday inn. we walked around for a bit outside, went to a store and picked up some stuff for the trip, then we went to a Sharis to eat. Max hadn't eaten at one before, and i was telling him how it was one of the main hangouts for people. Every team i was ever on, after every dance and football game at school, everything included a meal at sharis. (on our way back we found one in cali, i hadn't seen one in cali before). it was ok, max wasn't terribly pleased with it. oh well. IT'S THE BEST WE GOT IN HICKSVILLE OK!!! so we are a little behind times...and no one knows how to cook... : P hehe. after, we went back to the motel, and violated every corner we could. then showered and passed out. then we messed around more in the morning. god, my Burgeouse blood is comming out in me. although the Burgeouses blame it on the kings, but i have kings on both sides, so that means i'm screwed doesn't it? Damn horney gene.
we got to my place around two-ish ( i love -ishes) i had been driving the last couple o hours. as soon as we get there joe lays into max, calling him maxi-pad and asking if he was with or without wings. good god. now, if you know a person and are good friends with them, sure that's funny, but as a first word to someone? sigh. Max was ready to leave before we even got out of the car. I can't say i blame him though. paul and i acted all civil like, i only wanted to kill the guy. as soon as i saw him all the stuff i have been working hard to forget was back and fresh as ever. at first max had said that he didn't see why everybody didn't like him, but now we have reached the end of the visit, he says Paul is an asshole. And this was a really good visit paul-wise. only one big agument. That was terrible. Paul jusst went off about how he didn't have any respect for max and then went so far as to say that he isn't welcome at that house again. I really got pissed off then, and said if max isn't welcome, then i'm not, and i plan on marrying him. My main goal was to make paul step down and think about what he said, i didn't really plan on staying away from my family. (that doesn't include paul mind you) but it did what i wanted and put paul on the backtrack. I knew he wouldn't enforce it because as much as we argue, he does know mom will only allow so much to be said. he he he. but i felt terrible because max was just sitting there in the next room listening to paul go on aobut how max was just a brown noser who needed to get his head out of my butt and start being a man. i know my man isn't the stronest, biggest or toughest one out there, and you know what, i don't care. If i need to, i can more then take care of myself, and i have an entire family of assholes and bitches (in the good sense) that will kill for me. And my posse in turner. i don't need anyone else that can take care of me and protect me. i need someone to love me as much as i love them, and i get that from max. I have plenty of muscle in the family, i want someone with heart. I know that if need be, max would fight for me, as much as he doesn't like fighting. To know that he would when he doesn't want to, means more to me then all the guys that go beat up someone who insults me. I had guys like that and i couldn't stand them. well, i really liked one, but i lost contact with him a long time ago. I wish i could find him again though, he was a great friend. In fact, his name is bear billy o'farell, and the last i knew he moved to grants pass, then moved from there to another state. we dated in junior high, although he wouldn't know me as Charlie, he knew me as Michelle. but i am much different then what i was, so he might not even want to hang out with me anymore. wow, this is waaaaay off topic.
wait, one more thing off topic, i am looking for my sister. Her name is Kristen Trotter, she was adopted by her aunt and uncle, her mother's name is Angie. Kristen is my half sister. we share a father. Joe Gibson. Kristen is fourteen, she has blue eyes, and really dark brown almost black hair. She gets those charecteristics from us. Her eyes can be described as Paul newman's, and that's because through our father we are cousins to paul newman. They really are his eyes. The family eyes. My brother lucked out and got those eyes. They seem to skip a generation. grandfather had blue, dad got hazel. I got hazel, Mike got blue. Mike and Kristen are the same age, Mike's b-day is in June, Kristens birthday is october first, the same as my mothers. or is it september? no it's october i think. Anyway, they lived in eastern oregon, but when i went to try to call her for her birthday, all three numbers we had belonged to different people. I haven't spoken to or seen her since she was three. Her aunt and uncle don't want me to know her, but dammit that's my sister, and she went through sooooooooo much crap, i won't go into it online, but if u ask me personally i'll talk to you about it. Anyway, i want to tell her that everything is going to be ok, and that she isn't alone, that she has a family who thinks of her often and loves her dearly, even if we never get to see her. I went through many of the same experiences as her. she's soo young she shouldn't have had to deal with so much already. that, and she is the most beautiful of angies kids. The other girls are blonde and blue eyed, but look like little troll babies. Anyway, i would REALLLLLLY apreciate it if somehow someone told me something about her. Even if they only said she is happier then she was, and doesn't want our interference. i just want to know she is ok. I would love a relationship with her, but i'll be satisfied knowing she is well.
but if i ever find out she is being hurt again by anyone i will do anyhting i can to save her. even if it involves killing people. I'm that seriouse in my love for her.
ok, back on topic.
so, as i was saying, paul was flippin, i was beyond rage and my poor baby was sitting in the next room listening to us. Mom finally made us stop, and i realized how selfish i had been. I was wanting to attack paul, hurt him with my words, defend my love, not max, but my love. I wasn't thinking of how my baby felt. that was terrible, and i feel so bad for that. that at the moment my baby needed protection, i was doing it for myself, for my personal grudge against paul, not to defend my man. terrible. i am so undeserving of someone who loves me this much. I let my hatred get in the way. i can't think of the words to describe how low i am. i'm worse then the banana slugs i read about in my book. (Petshop of horrors, graphic novels, in one Count D says that while banana slugs copulate, the male normally has to bite his own penis off just to seperate from the female, that lead to a discussion from max and i about how disgusting that is, and mixed it with a fear factor we saw.) ya, felt terrible. lower then low. like the bitten off penis. discarded.
I managed to spend a day with vanessa, we went to the movies, and met her borfriend and we alo went to the mall and then to borders. I bought her the Georgia Nicholson diaries, i demand that people read them. Anyway, got all those for her, and she got me half of the Petshop of Horror series, and i bought the other half. ten books at ten bucks each. but now i have all ten, and I LOVE IT!!! though i am slightly dissapointed with how it ends, at finding out what the count really is, but still, i love those. Amy introduced me to Tarot cafe, and i'm going to start picking those up, they are pretty good. A lot like the petshop stories. i'm going draw a picture of count and mr. detective together, i was waiting for that to happen through the entire series, and it didn't, but i'm going to make it happen. ^_^
ok, i'm tired of writing, and so i shall leave you and speak more of the trip later.
xoxoxo
Charlie
a note before i leave
01.04.06 (8:11 am) [edit]Max is in the shower, we are almost ready to leave. This morning we talked about what we had always looked for in a person, you know the mr/ms right thing. Max only said i was everything he wanted. I happened to mention a few things that he wasn't, but stated as well that i didn't care. the point i was trying to make was how the perfect person is never who you think it is going to be, they are never quite what you had in mind, but by the time you realize that they arn't you are soo in love with that person it no longer matters. The perfect person becomes them, and their attributes then define "perfect". Max instead looked at all the things i listed that he wasn't, and felt terrible that he wasn't all those things. For example, i love the outdoors, fishing, hunting (when necessary, not for sport) i love to just sit in the forest, walk around my property and ride horses. He is NOT an outdoor person. he's...technological. Then i didn't help the situation by running down memory lane and talking about all my country memories, climbing trees, walks with my grandpa while eating turnips; once again, i was doing it to prove a different point then what he took out of it. I was saying, the outdoors isn't that bad, he was saying afterwords that he is soo wrong for me, here i am talking with such great joy about these memories and he wants me to speak of him like that.
sigh.
the fact that he isnt outdoorsie is fine with me.
i was slightly worried though when he started talking about how he didn't want my family to adopt him. WHY NOT!?!?! have i made them sound that terrifying? if i did it wasnt intentional, i was just telling him what my family was like. I didn't tell him that uncle rick is a prison guard and carries illegal guns with him all the time and is a drunk that is vicously protective of me. I didn't mention rick at all, and he's the only one of my family that would actually hurt a guy thats with me just because he's with me. The rest of the family will wait until max hurts me, and he won't. he's a pacifist. i can barely get him to be slightly rough with me in bed. ^_^ no, i won't complain about our sex life. but when we do get a place together, i suggest you not eat off of the table, or the counters, or sit on anything, or sleep anywhere, or... ^_^
anyway, i'm worried that he wants to just be somewhere on our own, the onloy family being the one we start. I'm not like that, my family watches out for every memeber in it, we fight for each other and we are very very very close. Distant cousins do not exist in my family. There are no close/distant relations, they are alll close. everything gets celebrated at grandma's house, every birthday, holiday, anniversery anything. I like that. i love having a close family, family is the most important thing to me. i am slightly bothered by max's reverence of distance from family. he says he considers his mom, and brother to be his family. His brother is in the navy, so he isn't here, and then he said that i am taking place of his mother. NO!!! i don't want to mess up their relationship, i know that it will change, i'll be taking care of him, not her; but that shouldn't change the fact that she is still his mother. Being with max had changed my relationships with my parents, but only in the way that they know they won't be taking care of me anymore. we are still just as close and loving, my dad still worries for my safety as much before, and max certainly isn't takin my daddys place (who's yo daddy!).
ok, my rant part is done. but since that is all i do on here, i suppose i will go.
by the way, i realize that by reading this, you guys could think my boytoy is a bastard, but he isn't, this is just a place were i vent, ie, only the bad stuff tends to get mentioned. And this stuff is sooooooooooooo minor compared to all the good things he does for me. Like spends seventy bucks on me at borders even though he is dog tired and just wants to leave everyone else with us there and go home.
ok, ttyl, i gotta pack the car.
xoxoxoxox
Charlie
banana pudding
12.30.05 (11:42 pm) [edit]yellow. I am at thi moment in the house, but soon to be typing in the car, fun times. Max typed me a little letter the other night, it was very difficult to read. he was writting about his failings in certain areas. (no, no details for you). At first, it sounded like he was wanting to break up with me because he was so lacking. I hope he never feels like that again. I know he will, and i have more than once as well, but i hstill hope that nwither of us have to feel like that again.
Ok, so now i'm in the car. I can't see the screen the reflection is so bad right now, so i don't know how coherent my sentances mey become. we'll see.
Six flags was ok, we only went on two rides though, and not just because of the lines, people wouldn't agree on what they wanted to do, so there was a lot of walking around in multiple directions and staying no where long enough to join a line. Most people only went on one, we hit scream, and everyone was on it, but then max, sam and i were the only ones that went on x. I hadn't been n it yet, and it freaked me out. I love being scarred, and i scare very easily. that ride was great. oh, courtney didn't go on any rides, she is a girl i just met. She's black, sassy and fun. Anyway, she didn't fit on scream, and she didn't think she would fit on x, and left with half of the group. When we got up there, we discovered that she would have been able to fit. They adjusted the harness thing for sam, and they could have for her. Poor her. She took it better than Amy did though. You could tell she was hurt, but she gave it a "ya whatever" attitude. Amy was in tears almost, i wish she wouldn't take her wieght so much to heart. She is beautiful, and fun to be around, she has a great personality. I son't know why people think that only skinny people can be pretty, my stepmother is pretty, Eden was relly pretty and wore great fashions, not the "big girl" fashions, but whatever she wanted to wear, and she had the confidence to pull it off. I hate it when bigger people are so touchy about their weight, society and it's standards don't help much, and then now there are all of the sudden atacks on obese children. GOOD GOD PEOPLE!!! I certainly understand wanting to loose a few pounds if you want, but only if you want to. If you don't care to loose weight, then fuck it. If you have a medical problem, fine, you got a medicle issue. whatever you do, do it for yourself, not becasue of what society demands. I know that is difficult, people can be so cruel, but try to keep yurself the number one priority. I'm not saying to fuck anyone who doesn't believe the things that oyu do, but have some condideration for yourself, not just others.
ok, rant done, this isn't what i had wanted to go into.
After we decided to leave six flags, we went to the near by mall. Max was getting kinda moody, and i was worried about him. as much as i love him, it doesn't change the fact that he is an emotional person, he's almost like dating a girl. but his emotions are valid, and deserve to be recognized just like anyone elses. After the mall for a bit, one of the group members called and said that they had all gone across the street to a two sstor borders. TWO STORIES!!! (yes, i am a small town girl, i come from oregon, were the only advanced area is portland, and i never went shopping there, just met family) After driving in circles trying to find were the hell everybody had went, we finally found the borders. in the opposite dirrection of what we had been told. Once there, i go to look for rose red by mercedes lacky, a great book, like an adult version of beauty and the beast. Elemental magick is the basis of it. anyway, it wasnt there and i was looking some of her other books that i had wanted to get. My boy toy said he would get me something, and i was deciding if i wanted to get one of the trilogies, or just one book. If i got the set of three, i of course would be paying him back some. Then he brought over a book all about Full Metal Alchemist, the art work of it. Then he brought over an Inuyasha one. DAMMIT now i have to pick something. I send back the FMA, because the inuyasha went into greater details about all the characters and viewed them from several angles. THEN my toy brings over the collection of jthm commics. GAHG!!! then he says get them all. WHAT!?!?! in the end, we decided to go half, i owe him 35 dollers now. but I"M SOOOOO HAPPY!!! even in a bad mood he spoild me. I'm glad that we will be spending all eternity with each other. I never wanted to get so attached to a person that i would feel like i wasn't anything with out them. I always thought that girls who let themselves do that kinda stuff were stupid, but now i am one of them, and fully understand why they would put up with anything to stay with that one person. I know i'll never have to put up with anything terrible from my toy, he isn't violent, so i know he won't physically hurt me. The worst thing i can find about him is how emotional he is, and the wierd things he is anal about. like how his boxers are folded once, not twice. unless the food was cooked with the seasoning, he won't add anyhting to his food. he also eats his favorite part o the meal first, then rotates his plate counter clockwise until everything is eaten. Stuff like that, and those are part of the things that i love him for. the fact that he does feel, and how he eats is just entertaining. the way his boxers are folded was kind of a silly thing to worry about, but i get pissed off when people don't fold towels correctly, or put the tp on backwards. or scream chicken all the time (JK Amy, you know i love you.)
ok, i'm home now, and i have crap to do, so i'm going to stop typing. Max will post this whenever he finds a location with internet again.
xoxo
charlie
vampire cross
12.28.05 (7:10 pm) [edit]notice how my titles never really have anything to do with my post? they are just little things that are running through my head at the moment but are not explained to all of you. I know what i mean, and the story behind it all, i guess that means my titles are more personal then anything i write on here. that's an odd thought.
I am home alone right now, and am using the computer here for the first time. I convinced my stepmother not to lock the door so i could actually use the computer that i am paying for. i wanted to post, check up on a few people. They don't know i visit their blogs, or whatever you want to call them, but i constantly watch out for them. that is something about me, once i decide to let you into myself, you cannot get out, even if you want to. I will forever be in the background watching out for your well being. If you are better off without my influence, then you will never see me, but i will always know were you are, and always, always always i will protect you.
change of mood...
Sam won tickets to six flags, so i guess the majority if the group is going tomarrow. At this moment, it is still undecided. I am going as well, if we go. i don't know wich half of the group is going, but i do know i'll have fun.
Max and i were talking, and i think we are going to try and find a place together. I'm not going to worry about that untill we get back from oregon, but in a couple of weeks, we'll be looking. I'm nervouse about it though. This will be the first time i live with someone i'm dating. I worry that he will find something about me that he cant stand, that he will be someone that i can't bare to be with. unfounded fears, but they are there. i am as terrible with "what if's" as my brother michael, but his what ifs are all about funny or wierd stuff iinvolving aliens and different mindsets. Mine are always a fear that somehting terrible will happen. I've made it this far in my life, and it hasn't exactly been pleasent, i'm always waiting for that thing to happen that i won't be able to make it through. Lately, my past has ben developing fingers again that clutch at the fragments of my mind, that is very bothersome for me. I know that you can never truly put that kind of stuff behind you, but some dreams are comming back, old habits, emotions, and i don't know why. i was so sure i was out of it, life was good, well good for me, i was accomplishing my dreams, i could feel myself moving forward, i was able to breath. Nothing about my life has changed, besides finding my love, but i feel like i am at a standstill again, and that the past is reaching out for me. but who knows, much of it could simply be because i am going back to oregon, to the house of my past, well, namely to my stepfather and stepbrother, my mom and brothers i have no fear of seeing again, it is for them that i go back, but i know things will happen between my stepfather and i, and with max there, i am soo afraid something terrible could develope.
blehg, i am thinking too much into this, so i'm going to shut up now, leave all of you and check on my people.
xoxox
charlie
Purple Condoms
12.21.05 (11:17 am) [edit]Hello hello. Hmmmm, my boytoy is in the shower, so i decided to post, but what to write what to write??
hmmmm,
today is our two month. Tonight i am dragging him to a christmas party for my work. He wants to try and find a place there were we could screw. I know i'm bad about sex, but come on, think of something else really.
but i wont ever hold this against him, i love him too much to care. besides, the risk of being caught by your boss...that's kinda hot. The fact my boss is my cousin...not so much. Then there is the fact that i am a new hire. I don't need to build a reputation for myself so soon.
I have realized that i have become a kind of person i really don't like. But i supose eveyone can say that about themselves. I have done so many things i swore never to do. Like cut my hair. that may sound stupid, but my hair was everything, people knew me by my hair, it was the only thing about my self that i welcomed attention to. It was my weapon in grade school (you know those ties with the plastic balls at the end? they hurt if you 'accidentally' hit someone with the tie at the end of your braid.) i had been forbidden by my mother to cut my hair before i was eighteen. but i never wanted to cut it anyway. style it a little, but not cut it off. My hair was my sheild against the world, it would hide me, allowed me to watch others without them ever seeing me. My hair is still long granted, but i cut a foot of it off. I cut that much so i could donate it. Then i never donated it. I keep going to grow it out again, but my stepmother is adament about trimming it regularly. i know it looks better like this, i got rid of all the dead crap off the bottom and i take much better care of my hair now, so it isn't all split ends and such, when i grow it out now it will be nicer then before. but everytime my stepmother aproaches with the siscors, i allow it.
wow. what a pathetic rant.
jeez, i don't know if i want others to see this, but this is for me to vent feelings. uhg. i'm glad i only know one person who reads this. i wonder if anyone elase i know has found this, and they just havent told me, or left a comment. i wonder if they didn't realize it was me and just left. hmmmmm. shut up charlie, the world doesn't revole around you to use that commen cliche.
well, i'm going to eat, and try to forget about this pointless post. i acomplished nothing with this. My writting skills i once boasted of have gone kaput.
sombrero pete, lord of the bull whips.
12.15.05 (8:32 pm) [edit]good evening.
I am being stalked by amy, she is the only one to have found me, she is the only person to have left comments, and she waits for me at college, stealing my group. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! She's everywhere!!! love you babe.
might i say oww for second, i rode my boytoy too hard this morning and last night, i'm kinda sore now. *wimper* but hey, he was satisfied, and that is all i care about. Anything to make him happy. i have yet to actually orgasm with a guy, but then i've only been with one guy. Max is the first guy i have willingly been with. hey, btw, i totally plan on being brutaly honest on here, so if you don't wanna know some things, don't read this.
Today i took the last of my finals. blegh. other such sound effects. I'm not sure if i passed my history class. *sigh* I detest history class. history, i love, i love learning about old, were i came from, but this is the only class that can put me to sleep.
dsfdsddfdfdfdfdffddfddfre rerrtgbff bfftrg fg ferfgbb uk b
hmm, my boyfriend is highly inteligent yes? that is his coherence. *tee-hee* really, he does have a brain, or at least he has taken a few philosophy classes. That's gotta mean something. right?
ok, i gotta go, my toy isn't leaving me alone, and i have a few more things to do online.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Charlie
Good morning starshine
12.14.05 (3:57 pm) [edit]ok, so it's the evening, bite me. wow, that's a great way to make friends, insult them in the first line. *sigh*
Ok so things are interesting right now. I am writing right before I go see Harry Potter, last night i wathed Narnia, i payed for my boy toy, and he fell asleep, jeez... but he had a stressful day so i won't hold it against him. btw, Narnia was fine for a movie, i guess, but as a visual virsion of the book, i don't approve. The centuars looked funny. Tumnus looked fine, but Susan wasn't blonde, and how can she be the beautiful blonde the evil prince is trying to capture in "The horse and his Boy" if she isn't BLONDE!!! sigh, i ask way too much from movies that are based on books, they never are acurate, and i demand that they equal the book. Also, the movie didn't contain all the deep hidden stuff that the books do. Some things i did aprove of though, so it was okay, just not up to my expectations.
Yesterday was long. i had one of my moods were there are just too many people around and they are all so noisy, and none of their noise is logical, its just noise. Jeremy, probably my best guy friend, took me in his care, and we went on a drive. I vented to him my problems, and did a lot of sitting in silence, well, as silent as it is on a road in a camero that is very rattly and windy. He told me stuff of his past, he had told me those things before, but i know it's hard for him to bring it up, so i didn't want to rebuke him.
I came back, and Amy was there with Max. Amy was spastic as usual, how i lover her, but i could tell max was twitchin on something. He was upset because he had had a long day as was, and he gets out of class, wanting to go to a movie before my next final, and i wasn't there. he asked were i was, and the group told him i was with Jeremy. If it was any other guy, he'd been fine. I almost dated Jeremy, and was going to, when Max came in and i went with him instead (not the norm for me, i still don't know exactly why i chose so, not that i regret it). Jeremy then disliked max, for stealing me, and max was upset because i seemed to be more interested in Jeremy's feelings around this time then his. ya, i was. Jeremy just lost his girlfriend, then gets interested in someone else, and at the last second she backs out. (god i feel like crap for that) I hurt him, so i was trying to help, although just being there probably hurt him more...anyway, that had bugged max, and in a drunkin cofession he informed me so, and was crying and going on about how afraid he was that we wouldn't work out. Drunks are fun :D
so returning after spending two hours with jeremy, he wasn't exactly happy.
I hate that i did this to them, i guess they weren't that great of friends before, but they were, and i came between them. Then the fact that they are both important in my life, that's hard.
Max seemed to be more upset about the fact though, that i spoke to jeremy about my problems, that i didn't take them to him. sometimes though, he just isn't the one i need to talk to.
he's as bad as dating a girl. i love him so much.
ya, love. not even two months, and i dare to say love. I've dared for a while. I fear having let him in so quickly, i'm so vulnerable now. i don't like being hurt.
hey i gotta go eat Stella's speghetti.
xoxo
hello.
12.07.05 (5:19 pm) [edit]I shan't bother with an introduction. You're here, I'm here, i don't care about you, i just need to write about my life, vent as it were. Thats all i ever use these for. Unlike the others i have had, I don't think I'll give this address out, because then i worry about feelings of others, and i dont want to worry about others anymore. I will, but at least i won't worry about them having their feelings hurt when they read my blogs and realize that i really don't like them at all, that i am only civil to them because i know they need to feel like they have a friend and belong somewhere. most people don't know that i actually detest the human species. there are few humane humans, and i know i am not one of them, so i don't place myself above all of these people, i know i am just as terrible. It's kinda like that JTHM scene where Johnny writes in his die-ary, "today i learned, that on the inside, I'm pretty fuckin ugly." i'm sorry if i mis-quoted that, but at least that's the jist of it.
grr. I havn't used tblog in forever, i'm remembering all of its little quirks and i'm not liking it. Oh well. This is the only online journal thingy type thing i can access through my cousin's computer (i hate, HATE people PC) but beggers can't be choosers...hmmmmm we need new cliches, yet, would they be cliches and common sayings if they weren't well, cliches? hmm, does that even make any sense?
Currently I am at my boyfriends house. I will try to not go into detail about him, because if i open that up for disccussion, i'll never shut up. As much as i detest people, i am a romantic in most aspects of my life. I will say, that this guy is so far the only one who hasn't been an asshole to me. Anyway, i am using his laptop, trying not to cough directly onto the computer as i dont want him to get sick, but he seems almost adament about catching it. But he is taking care of me, so that's good. The only other relationships i've had where i was taken care of would all be ones with girls, but i don't always like being taken care of. I don't know why i let my bf take care of me. hmmm.
ya know, odds are i'll get more and more personal as this journal goes along, but right now, i just don't care to be personal.
crap, i'm already doing it. thinking of things to say to not offend people who could be reading this. I'm editing my thoughts to what i think others want to hear.
no more of that.
i'll try hard to keep only my real self on this page, not the image i project.
ok, this is going no-where, i'm just going to get off, start over later, perhapse when i'm not sick and can think of something to say.
"no fair sky, I'm the one that feels like crying."
--FMA
Charlie
